Yes sometimes I don’t like my choices but still I don’t regret doing them

Well before saying anything bad about anyone or to give some people the attention or the drama they might not worth having
By getting older I get to know that I should be more responsible of whatever am doing whether it is bad or good and any reactions caused or resulted from my choices is for sure has a big part me choosing them ( ely yesheel erbah makhromah mesh hatkhor 3ala ar3et bent okhto akeed )
One main issue I always suffer from is that sometimes I chose the wrong people to be friend with or just to be around !! Most of the time momken bardo now am getting the result of such choices.
Back in my mind I always knew and am sure there is nothing wrong being nice with everyone and am always or for sure most of the time been sweet with and about everyone’s actions and behavior far away from any judgments (God knows how hard I was trying not to judge them but sometimes I just can’t shut up)
A lot of People I meet just call me or do efforts to be friends ( I do the same sometimes as well ) and I never doubt their intentions or think twice about their hidden agendas (aiwa ba7eb oghneet so3ad hosny el 7ayah ba2a lonha bambi) which I really like and I miss if it didn’t happen
How could I know they might have other motives, how is the hell am gonna know that !?! Bashem 3ala dahr edy ana !?!?
In return for sure I feel I should call them or to meet them up, thinking that we might be good friends or they might be better or more interesting persons than what my first impression tells me about them
Kaman ba2a as a result of being in a support group and me thinking it is a good cause to help everyone realizing how beautiful and good they are and they shouldn’t be ashamed of whom they are and the blah blah LGBT awareness am doing. Which I will never ever regret and I feel really overwhelmed, proud and happy with the results. I get to be around a lot of people, talk to them, trying to be in a better mutual understanding ground (which is good all the time) a hell of experience it is and it will always be, i meet people who are totally not like me in any single way (the only thing in common is “we are gays”) which is challenging and fun in the same time ( bas aho kolo begi 3ala demaghi delwa2ti ba2a heheheh)
I can’t deny for sure there should be a motive for helping others or else you will not be motivated to do it to start with
For me it never been more than the attention am getting from them (as one of my dear friends said if you could have a gay as pet you should feed him attention- ya3ni I cant find anything better to say) as well the joy of seeing everyone happy and am not talking about world peace here !!
Really seeing people happy and not necessarily thankful due to my efforts make me feel good, some other times I feel like they should at least say thanks specially my friends, if it is someone you don’t know it is fine but friends should be at least grateful and that never happen or rarely happen so it is better not to wait or to expect that.
Anyways
This post was mainly to bitch at my crazy friends or the people who made me angry recently (the past few days or couple of weeks some of them were actually screaming at me on the phone/online and in real Kaman (nas taybeen awy) for no good reason or no reasons at all) and they wouldn’t say sorry 7ata ,not to mention the fake c..... teeeeeeeeeeeeeet and teeeeeeeeeeeet (have I said that out loud) but I thought I should be more grateful bitch and thank the nice ones I have now in my life or them all
Recently I got the chance and am honored to get closer to someone a dear friend of mine who made me realize and know the difference between good friends and bad friends or no friends at all, I promise if I started talking about him I will never stop and no one will ever disagree on that and it is not over rated I assure
My whole life I always been lucky surrounded with few good friends who supported me and made my life better place (special thanks to my life time vicious queen) some others made me realize that the world could be a hell place full of contradictions and lies (thanks bitches :p)
That post is mainly to thank my dear friends for being there or not being there whenever I needed them (I remember you were hungry eating at Fucking junk food restaurant ha !! )
Thanks to all the nice, fabulous and incredible people I met in my life and had a huge effect on it
Am grateful to the dramatic change you made in my life and my own perspective to life generally, the people I met in other countries had the biggest impact actually
You are mainly the reason why I feel am a better person now and for sure you are the one who made me that ugly monster I hate sometimes hehehe
Am grateful and thankful to you all and I really wouldn’t make it without anyone of you and can’t imagine myself living without you around and supporting me.

Coming Out To My Sista

When I say sister I mean my real sister not any of my dear gay friends :SS or it was going to be a girls night out/in or even a slumber party.

(not that you would find any huge difference between them both)

Anyway for most of my close friends and the people I get to know these days I tend to be open about my sexuality for a lot of reasons

-       I have no other choice hiding it, am not discrete ”God forbid” & people from outer space could tell that am gay (it takes only one minute or even less to figure out the inner diva inside any flaming queen, even if she tried so hard to keep it in)

-       I get attached easily to people (I hate it but it happens) and I hate it more and it hurt when they decide being gay is not acceptable

-       Believe me it hurts even more when some gay people I really don’t wanna know or even to talk with decide you are out (OMFG), 2 much of a self peace you made with yourself for them to understand now

-       I feel it’s better to be disliked for being who you are than to be loved for who you are not

-       I have been always a social butterfly (not a climber one and am sure from that :p “ sorry babe it is not about you” )

-       Being nice with all the gay people I know as I feel if I treated them badly it would somehow a betrayal to my own people ( I could be mean and rude as much as I could – sue me )

-       Loving yourself and making peace with it would make people make peace with you in-return and love you the way you are. ( if you can’t love yourself how the hell you can love somebody else – said Rupaul)

Back to what we were saying - coming out of the closet to some of my family members recently my eldest sister (if not Chanel am so not coming out – Said Kiki)

I was really lucky on this aspect; actually it wasn’t a very hard neither a bad experience for me

-       The start was some of my friends got married to few of my family members, and they are dear friends (straight ones – as much I feel so hard to believe myself saying that) and actually I had no problems dealing with them afterwards neither they do.

-       Long chats with cousins and relatives leads sometimes to the answer of this untold questions, where you would find yourself saying nothing but “Yes am gay live with it :p” or in the middle of the conversation you would find you both talking about gay rights , what else you will be waiting to hear “ safe sex and don’t date Egyptians – Said one of my cousins heheheh”

Most of these conversations if not all were really like ”we love you and we will always love you the way you are no matter what” It feels creepy and weird always when you see them the next time after the coming out conversation, as it feels like second meeting after bad sex and not answering the calls but I could assure it all disappeared once we talked and shacked hands with no kisses/hugs sure this time (apply only with male relatives)

-       I had these conversations about homosexuality and gay rights with my sister all the time and she was all against it and most of the time she was real bitch about it, which made me cry sometimes, felt so uncomfortable around her and around any of my siblings and I was always pushing them away thinking that the less they know about me and the less attached to them, the less anyone will get hurt when they decide not to love me or to hate me for who I am and they do not agree upon.

-       Afterwards she started picking up on everything gay am doing ”anything look or speak gay” once she even told Mom about the rainbow keychain I used to have in my car (poor Mom she thought it is about the bitch word in the medal at the end of the keychain) but thanks to my sister Mom knows now more about gay life more than any gay guy would know about it (Mom was always nice and sweet about everything and these things in particular as she always was replying we shouldn’t talk about these things this way it is not proper-Power of Denial I may say)

-       It was that day when she was talking about raising up her kids and suddenly out of nowhere the gay subject was opened again (euff ba2a)

-       SURPRISE I couldn’t shut my mouth up this time, I couldn’t take it anymore and the next thing I know it was the hell sista am GAY

-       Silence for a while  

-       Surprise I thought she knows already but she didn’t (power of denial again) she cried for like five minutes and at the end she said I love you and nothing is gonna change that silly, she was angry because she felt I was pushing them away because of that.

-       She said any smart or even dump person would collect the pieces and eventually will know that you are gay but for some of us we don’t want to believe it.

-       She told me whoever loves you, will never try to find something to hate you for and whoever is not willing or doesn’t really love you will find some reason to hate you for.

-       I thought it was going to be much more dramatic than this, I wanted my moment when she slap me, I slap her back, she hate me for a while, I hate her and my life for a while back, talk with me again , had another dramatic scene, I cry , she cry , everyone cry but it didn’t happen, I wanted my Egyptian movie but I didn’t got it

-       Am sure one day I will have it with some other story lines but till now am happy really thankful and grateful for what I am and what I have.

Love me more

kiki

Smile you have been judged

If you know me, so for sure you will know that am not the sweetest person ever not the perfect one at all, I wanna believe I could be sweet sometimes or that what some few people say about me, true sometimes I talk about others allowing myself sometimes to judge them Kaman, usually am trying so hard (it is not that easy as it sounds) not to be judgmental or to talk about others in order not to be judged or to be talked about.

It is sometimes so simple, sometimes complicated and sophisticated (using difficult words give always more credibility), sometimes so short, sometimes not, sometime it is true, a lot of other times not , easy to be said, direct in your face , behind your back (who the hell will care about that bitch) , funny and sad, hurtful and insensitive as it never been something else and will never be no matter how much you say “ I respect you” or how much you say “ohh I love you” during judging  or afterwards (a lot of people say so as if it will make it look any better )

Hey am your friend I have the right to judge you (says who inshallah ya3ni ?!??) wait the best is yet to come ………..I give myself the right as well to talk about you / write about you sometimes (lets gossip about that Hoo) in whatever right and whatever I think is not right in my own mind and perspective, I could as well embarrass you infront of everyone we know and we don’t know (the more the merrier) because you trusted me or even if you don’t (the hell) am close enough from you and I get to know more I guess.

You are so short, you are so tall, your are so fat, you are so skinny, you are so girly, you are so fake (get over the straight acting dude), you are so out (am claustrophobic), you are so discrete (antisocial), you are so shallow (air headed), you are so complicated (mekalka3),you are having a lot of sex(what a slut), do you ever have sex(howa 7ad hayboselak aslan), look at your ass, for sure you have a small dick (size queens), your nose, your hair, whatever you are wearing is so ugly (you are so last season no you are like several decades ago), you are such a brand slave……………etc

I could go on & on & on, Seems like we can’t get enough living in a judgmental society so we have to judge each others. It might help us to feel better about ourselves

Well it is getting ugly L I hate it, can’t fake it anymore and it is not funny or so whatever ya3ni we are not Gods and haven’t heard about making you the king or the queen of anything.

STOP judging me & STOP judging others it will just not make you look or feel any better 

Online Friends

Q-Why do they seem so perfect?

A-    A- No body’s perfect

Q-Why do we feel like we will never find anything like them or even close to what we have in mind for them?

A-     A-Illusions play great role in this game

Q-Why they make us feel better than real life friends?

A-     A-Because we just give them more chances

Q-Why do we listen to people online and tend to tell them everything about us? (Even our darkest secrets) although we have been always known to have trust issue

A-     A-It is always easier talking with people you really don’t know about your disasters although it is totally wrong because you we will never know their intentions or motives

Q-Why we become so happy just to find their name colored in green?

A-     A-Because they decided to unblock you because they have more free time

Q-Why do we miss everything they used to say when they are offline?

A-     A-By time, chatting online with a lot of people you will make you know all the right words and tricks

Q-Why it tends to be easier saying we are sorry and we tend to be more understanding?

A-     A-Dignity and judgmental features seems to work only in real face2face situations 

Q-Why it become totally different when they become real friends?

A-     A-Because nothing was real to start with

Q-Why everything turn out to be just imaginary and only a result of our imagination?

A-     A-Welcome to real world

Q-Why do they smell, look and taste not like what we expected?

A-     A-They didn’t discover this technology yet, Again welcome to real world

Q-Why most of them lied to us about a lot of things and we believed them? Although we never believe our own real close friends in whatever they are saying

A-     A-We seems to be waiting for our friends faults and mistakes

Q-Why we want to believe they would be the same as we are in everything? Although by reading whatever they were saying / writing back than we find out that they were totally different but we didn’t want to see it neither we didn’t want to believe it.

A-     A-We tend to block the bad hints and want to believe world still pink as they used to tell us

Q-Why when we see their pictures we tend to believe they look really good? Regardless the major immediate need for plastic surgery intervention

A-     A-Go check your eyes and you might know

Q-Why am sharing all these things with you?

A-     A-Because I still believe I would find who would look , smell and taste the same way as expected in real not online (crossing fingers he wouldn’t be taken by now) 

Ana Mesh Mazboot

Mesh mazboot : 

Aiwa mesh mazboot :) da mostala7 men el mostala7at ely el masreen be2oloho 3ala el gays 

mesh fahem homa asdohom aih mesh mazboot dee !!!! mal7o zyadah mal7o na2es !?!? yemken yekono sokorhom zyada shewia aw na2es shewia ?!?! wala yekono na2seen felfel aw vanilia 3alashan re7etohom zefra howa mesh el mafrod kolena bardo rabena khale2na ma3a ba3d we zay ba3d wala 7ad et3mal men 7aga we el taneen et3amlo men 7aga taniah 

Deblah : 

akeed 3arfeen ya3ni aih ! law mesh 3arfeen howa ba2a el khatem ely bet7at fe soba3 men el 2eed el shemal aw el yemeen ( 7asab tabe3et el 3elakah we mesh el soba3 eli fel nos ) 3alashan ye3len 3an ertebat bain etneen we 3alashan yo2kedo we fe mo3zam el aw2at beb2a maktoob esm el tani 3aleh men gowa ( ragel we set & etneen so7ab be7bo ba3d ) 

homa el gays beb2a maktob fehom aih men gowa !?!??!

we howa kaman  mostala7 be2oloh 3ala ay 7aga medwarah bet2fel 3ala 7aga taniah 3alashan to7kom el tasarob ( eza kan khatroom :p wala 7anfiah ) 

tayeb da el mostala7 da tele3 kewis aho omal el nas betedaye2 leh lama betsma3o we leh be2oloh 3ala el gays law homa mesh be7ebohom we rafdenhom awy keda, mahoma tel3o aho be yerboto el sayeb weli besarab we kaman be yo2kedo 3an el 7ob been etneen , eli howa el mafrood a7la 7aga aw aw7ash 7aga 7asab eli enta bet7ebo :P  

3agalah : 

bicycle aw beskeletah  we da bet2al 3ala el gays tab3an 3alashan el gays betrekbo :-s , mesh 3aref da 3alashan homa fakreen el gays ma3ndohomsh shakhsiah wala 3alashan el fe3l nafso !?!??! 

anyways da kaman yekhali kol nesa2 el masreen el motzawegat menhom wal ghair motzowegat 3agal we bicycles 2 7ais tawfarat fehom sheroot el rekob men azwgehem we fe 7alat taniah asdka2ehem kabl we ba3d el gawaz we da mesh keteer awy bas mawgood bardo 

we heya bardo mesh el 3agalah dee begeboho lel atfal 3alashan yel3abo beha we yenbesto we kaman wasilet mwasalat ghair darah lel bi2ah we mofidah lel se7ah kaman

tayeb kaman wa7ed tele3 kewis ahoh ana 7ases fe akher el post da haytala3 el masreen be7ebo el gays we e7na zalmenhom

khawal: 

we el mostala7 da aktr mostala7 te2eel 3ala alb el masreen ( specially the educated ones ) ya3ni keda wak3o mo2zy lel ozon ( the ears ) el mohem asl el mostala7 gai da kelmet ( khawal ) aw ( khel )  we de momken tela2oha fe kol el ma3agem el waseet wel wageez menha we ghairo we howa el sa7eb el mokhles el nase7 el rafeek we kol el 7agat el gameela dee

3el2:

bardo el mostala7 da mesh zareef zay el fat 3ala alb el gays we howa aslo kelmet 3alaQ we de ma3naha 7ob aw el tala3alok bel asheya2 wel hawah we momken bardo tedawaro 3aleha fel ma3agem el sabek zekraha we leh ma3ani keteer taniah ghair dee

ya3ni aktr kelmetain tel3o ma3nahom 7elw bardo, mesh ana olt bardo hanetla3 zalmeen el nas loool

ghair tabi3y we ghareeb el atwar :

kol el gays abohom aw omohom 7asab el shakl ya3ni akeed kano men kokab tani ghair el ard mahoma shaklohom a7la shewia we wakhdeen balhom men nafsohom 7abetain we be3rfo yetklemo kewis mesh zay el nas el taby3een 

aih da begad ya3ni  !?!??! fe nazareet el tatawor beta3et darwin el str8 guys kan aslohom 2orod bayen awy , 7ata khodo balko betklemo ezay we be3melo aih

Shaz we methli :

Shaz de ya3ni kol 7aga ghariba 3an el mo3tad we gharib 3an el 7awalih ma3a eno momken yekon howa da el tabee3i 

ya3ni 3alashan el mafrod el tabee3i matkonsh kol 7aga zay ba3daha 

we el mostala7 da batalo yestakhdemo fel so7of wel magalat ba3d el daght beta3 monzmat 72o2 el 2ensan we 7aiwan ma3an bas fe ba3d el a7yan we lama yekono 3ayzeen yeday2o el nas we yekhlohom ye2ro el mawadee3 ye2olak monzamet shezoz we kalam keteer men dah

methli ba2a heya wa7ed be7eb methlo ya3ni makhtlfnash keteer 3an el nas el str8 

be7okm enohom mesh 3ayzeen yeshofo 7ad ghairhom ya3ni we mesh 3ayezeen yet3mlo ma3a 7ad mesh shabahom ( thx God ) 

3ala fekra el masreen men weghet nazrhom el gays homa bas el nas el maf3ool fehom mesh eli be3melo kaman 

ya3ni fe ba3d el manateq 3andohom 3adi yekono homa be3melo sex ma3a sobian aw el regalah we homa keda mesh gays el gays only the gay passive or the bottom ones we kaman momken yekono be7ko le ba3d 3an keda we mabsoteen beh kaman 

mesh 3aref homa fehmo keda ezay bas howa da ely be7sal 

ba3d kol da ana 3ayez a2ol ana bani adam zayi zay ay 7ad tani we yemken yekon fe nas a7san meni we yemken akon ana a7san men 7ad tani bas matkalmneesh we te3melni we te7kom 3alaya 3alashan 

men el akher i hate titles :P ta2riban it is ok if that what they call me yob2a ana keda ana kol dah 

ana 3agalah ana deblah ana mesh mazboot ana khawal ana 3el2 ana gay ana shaz ana mesh tabi3i and shaz ana methli ana  kol 7aga momken te2oloha 

3alashan enta khayef men eli mesh zayak we 3alashan mesh 3ayez tedi forsa le 7ad mesh shabahak 7ata law fe 7aga malaksh da3wah beha eno yekon eli howa 3ayzo